Perserverance

INTRODUCTION
Perseverance. What kind person needs that to survive all the rest of her life right from day one. In looking back at my life so far, I was always with the feeling of is this what life is all about , just surviving, going thru trials and tribulations and making it thru, dealing with all the emotions that entail it, if we do that at all. I believe I learned from an early age to not deal with emotions. Although I don’t know how or when I learned that. I have a bad memory and I don’t remember the first 12 years of my life. Little bits here and there, whether I actually remember them or someone told me is the question. Don’t’ get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad, I’m sure there were good times, I just don’t remember them. A mind has a way of doing that, focussing more on the negative that the positive. We have to train our mind to think positive, and it’s a lot of work. Believe me I know. I used to be so negative, without even realizing it. I isolated myself, pushed people away if they tried to get too close, stayed in my dark hole, being depressed and self harming etc… In this entire “wonderful” journey, looking back, I learned the importance of having a support network. Even if its just one or two people, someone I can count on, who will accept me whatever state of mind I am in, not to “fix” me necessarily, just listen, just allow me to be me.
I also have my faith. Now granted, at the present moment of writing this, my faith isn’t as strong as it should be, but I am not going to turn my back against God. I can honestly say that He has been a foundation for me in my healing process. I have not always focussed on that foundation, other friends have helped me thru and tried to get me back on track, and I will in time; more about this topic later.
Then there is the medical side of things in my life. I was born with a lot of medical problems. The majority of them fixed while I lived in the hospital the first year and half of my life. Other ones, I have had to live with all my life. I didn’t know it was a “medical issue” until my mid twenties. So, the first twenty years of my life, I was living with the thoughts in my head that I will never grow up, I am just a lazy person, I am so slow, and irresponsible, that if I don’t smarten up I won’t get anywhere. It’s funny how the mind works. Right after I moved out of my foster home, I went looking for love on the streets. I wanted acceptance, I wanted to feel wanted, like I was worth something, to feel “loved”, in my mind that’s what it was. Street people are pretty smart, I have had some people say to me what are you doing down here, you don’t belong here. They even knew! I eventually learned that this is where I’m not going to find it.
I never have liked me. I never have liked the way I look, I have all these scars, I feel… like an outsider looking in.
I look at people who seem to have it all, have it together, and interacting with other people and I wonder how they got to be like that. I know what the bible says about what I am, and I’m in my late thirties and I still can’t accept what that says. Maybe one day I will.
We are always learning and changing and growing. So I may not be as pretty as the next person, but I do know …well sort of know.. Am learning that I am a strong person, that I can overcome a lot of things and that I have perseverance, because otherwise I wouldn’t be alive today writing this story.
My purpose for starting this writing is to write about my life experiences and how perseverance played a huge part in it, and that it really does pay off. I don’t see the whole picture, but apparently God does. So here I continue from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour persevering onward and forward with life, hoping that my story will help other people to continue on with their life.
All my relations,
Mary Ann Leo

Stepping Out

Hellow there, theres a first time for everything isn't there? Stepping out of your comfort zone, and doing something that you wouldn't normally do.
So my friend/sister gave me this idea to start a blog about my healing journey that I have been on, and am still on. That it would help many people and its also a good outlet to get stuff out. I haven't written for a while, and I know that I am about to embark on another healing journey process, that will hopefully help me in the long run. I mean I know it will...I just have to allow the process to happen.
Anyways, I have lots of writings, and I have lots of books filled with writings, and I have never thrown it away, always with the idea that I will put it all together in a book one day.
So I have no idea how im going to do this, but I thought this was a good start.
Ive been thru alot in my life, and I have had many ups and downs as we all have, and we all learn from our past experiences (hopefully), and I think we all hope that one day this will help other people.
My way of dealing with stuff is by writing, and I also tend to stuff things aside, and let them build up too, so all my writings well, most of them I think, start out real negative, but I always try to end on a postive note.
So this blog will be stuff from the past, stuff that ive worked thru, and also maybe the process that Im about to embark on now.
Ok well, its late and I have to get to bed, so we shall see how this works out
Thanks for taking the time to read this
All my relations,
Mary