I thought I better write something about process. The previous post was written a year ago... I was rite in the middle of my medical stuff and emotional stuff.
Alot can happen in a year. I have my ups and downs, I have my dark periods, but I also now have a support system, something that I learned was important to have.
The darkness isn't soo dark anymore, I have 3 lil kids that brighten up my day, (not mine my sisters), and their unconditional love is healing, and they prolly don't even know it.
Remember the onion thing, where we all have layers. My layers are pretty thick, but I know that I have lots of people praying for me, and one day the layers will come up. And how do the layers come off? By learning to trust again. Trust is a huge thing, and that inself is a process. Start trusting with the little things.
And in time I will be able to trust again. Stuff happens that breaks our ability to trust, but allow healing to happen, then it can be rebuilt. Allowing it to happen...see the cycle??? thats the cycle i am in rite now, and I have to break it. I will one day, hopefully soon.
Well, i have to go. I acutally am going to go to church. In hopes that my thickness of layers begin to thaw or thin out. And to get a hug from Sandy and Kathleen and Deb. they give the best hugs. Chow for now!
Marebear
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Poem
Ok, so something happened to me this week, and I have no idea how or what. I just know that I got sick and tired of fighting. I got tired of trying to survive. All the people that know about me, say how strong I am. About how much I have been thru etc etc…
Darkness
Envelopes me
In my head is a tangled mess
Do I accept or don’t I accept
Soo many choices to make
Do I continue hating God
Is he the reason behind all this?
Head knowledge says no
Its life
God is the giver of life
Jason says God has a plan for each and every one of us
What in the world was His plan for this whole mess in my life?
To take one step forward
Walking down the street
Going to a friends house
Trying to function and appear normal
Going to a family members
It took soo much effort
That by the end…
It was an effort to just breathe
I can’t do this
I don’t want to do this no more
I want this over with
I want another life
Deep in my hole
Its been a week now
I so want to cut
I so want to drink it all away
Ok so I did that one nite(drink that is)
And maybe again tonite
I want off this roller coaster
Someone stop the madness
Darkness
Heaviness
No energy
Too much effort
Choices
I can choose to end my life
I can choose to self harm
I can choose to drink myself to death
Or I can choose the opposite of all the above
Ok so yes, I made the choice to go out
And talk to a friend
I made the choice to go into the sanctuary
That was just so I didn’t have to listen
To the thoughts in my head
Why do I have to go on?
Why do I have to make the choice to continue helping myself
Why don’t I just give in
Why don’t I just not believe anymore?
Cos it gets me nowhere
Past experience has taught me that
Dang past experience
I am in a vicious cycle
And going freakin crazy
I don’t want no hospital
I hate hospitals
Something has to give
Something has to change
My mind
My thoughts have to change
How?
My hatred towards my life
Is getting stronger
Why the freak was I ever born?
So I can live like this?
God knows the future, past and present???
So he knew this was gonna happen??
Did he allow this to happen?
I’m gonna go bang my head against the wall
I can’t handle this no more!
Darkness
Envelopes me
The end
March22/09
Darkness
Envelopes me
In my head is a tangled mess
Do I accept or don’t I accept
Soo many choices to make
Do I continue hating God
Is he the reason behind all this?
Head knowledge says no
Its life
God is the giver of life
Jason says God has a plan for each and every one of us
What in the world was His plan for this whole mess in my life?
To take one step forward
Walking down the street
Going to a friends house
Trying to function and appear normal
Going to a family members
It took soo much effort
That by the end…
It was an effort to just breathe
I can’t do this
I don’t want to do this no more
I want this over with
I want another life
Deep in my hole
Its been a week now
I so want to cut
I so want to drink it all away
Ok so I did that one nite(drink that is)
And maybe again tonite
I want off this roller coaster
Someone stop the madness
Darkness
Heaviness
No energy
Too much effort
Choices
I can choose to end my life
I can choose to self harm
I can choose to drink myself to death
Or I can choose the opposite of all the above
Ok so yes, I made the choice to go out
And talk to a friend
I made the choice to go into the sanctuary
That was just so I didn’t have to listen
To the thoughts in my head
Why do I have to go on?
Why do I have to make the choice to continue helping myself
Why don’t I just give in
Why don’t I just not believe anymore?
Cos it gets me nowhere
Past experience has taught me that
Dang past experience
I am in a vicious cycle
And going freakin crazy
I don’t want no hospital
I hate hospitals
Something has to give
Something has to change
My mind
My thoughts have to change
How?
My hatred towards my life
Is getting stronger
Why the freak was I ever born?
So I can live like this?
God knows the future, past and present???
So he knew this was gonna happen??
Did he allow this to happen?
I’m gonna go bang my head against the wall
I can’t handle this no more!
Darkness
Envelopes me
The end
March22/09
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Perserverance
INTRODUCTION
Perseverance. What kind person needs that to survive all the rest of her life right from day one. In looking back at my life so far, I was always with the feeling of is this what life is all about , just surviving, going thru trials and tribulations and making it thru, dealing with all the emotions that entail it, if we do that at all. I believe I learned from an early age to not deal with emotions. Although I don’t know how or when I learned that. I have a bad memory and I don’t remember the first 12 years of my life. Little bits here and there, whether I actually remember them or someone told me is the question. Don’t’ get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad, I’m sure there were good times, I just don’t remember them. A mind has a way of doing that, focussing more on the negative that the positive. We have to train our mind to think positive, and it’s a lot of work. Believe me I know. I used to be so negative, without even realizing it. I isolated myself, pushed people away if they tried to get too close, stayed in my dark hole, being depressed and self harming etc… In this entire “wonderful” journey, looking back, I learned the importance of having a support network. Even if its just one or two people, someone I can count on, who will accept me whatever state of mind I am in, not to “fix” me necessarily, just listen, just allow me to be me.
I also have my faith. Now granted, at the present moment of writing this, my faith isn’t as strong as it should be, but I am not going to turn my back against God. I can honestly say that He has been a foundation for me in my healing process. I have not always focussed on that foundation, other friends have helped me thru and tried to get me back on track, and I will in time; more about this topic later.
Then there is the medical side of things in my life. I was born with a lot of medical problems. The majority of them fixed while I lived in the hospital the first year and half of my life. Other ones, I have had to live with all my life. I didn’t know it was a “medical issue” until my mid twenties. So, the first twenty years of my life, I was living with the thoughts in my head that I will never grow up, I am just a lazy person, I am so slow, and irresponsible, that if I don’t smarten up I won’t get anywhere. It’s funny how the mind works. Right after I moved out of my foster home, I went looking for love on the streets. I wanted acceptance, I wanted to feel wanted, like I was worth something, to feel “loved”, in my mind that’s what it was. Street people are pretty smart, I have had some people say to me what are you doing down here, you don’t belong here. They even knew! I eventually learned that this is where I’m not going to find it.
I never have liked me. I never have liked the way I look, I have all these scars, I feel… like an outsider looking in.
I look at people who seem to have it all, have it together, and interacting with other people and I wonder how they got to be like that. I know what the bible says about what I am, and I’m in my late thirties and I still can’t accept what that says. Maybe one day I will.
We are always learning and changing and growing. So I may not be as pretty as the next person, but I do know …well sort of know.. Am learning that I am a strong person, that I can overcome a lot of things and that I have perseverance, because otherwise I wouldn’t be alive today writing this story.
My purpose for starting this writing is to write about my life experiences and how perseverance played a huge part in it, and that it really does pay off. I don’t see the whole picture, but apparently God does. So here I continue from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour persevering onward and forward with life, hoping that my story will help other people to continue on with their life.
All my relations,
Mary Ann Leo
Perseverance. What kind person needs that to survive all the rest of her life right from day one. In looking back at my life so far, I was always with the feeling of is this what life is all about , just surviving, going thru trials and tribulations and making it thru, dealing with all the emotions that entail it, if we do that at all. I believe I learned from an early age to not deal with emotions. Although I don’t know how or when I learned that. I have a bad memory and I don’t remember the first 12 years of my life. Little bits here and there, whether I actually remember them or someone told me is the question. Don’t’ get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad, I’m sure there were good times, I just don’t remember them. A mind has a way of doing that, focussing more on the negative that the positive. We have to train our mind to think positive, and it’s a lot of work. Believe me I know. I used to be so negative, without even realizing it. I isolated myself, pushed people away if they tried to get too close, stayed in my dark hole, being depressed and self harming etc… In this entire “wonderful” journey, looking back, I learned the importance of having a support network. Even if its just one or two people, someone I can count on, who will accept me whatever state of mind I am in, not to “fix” me necessarily, just listen, just allow me to be me.
I also have my faith. Now granted, at the present moment of writing this, my faith isn’t as strong as it should be, but I am not going to turn my back against God. I can honestly say that He has been a foundation for me in my healing process. I have not always focussed on that foundation, other friends have helped me thru and tried to get me back on track, and I will in time; more about this topic later.
Then there is the medical side of things in my life. I was born with a lot of medical problems. The majority of them fixed while I lived in the hospital the first year and half of my life. Other ones, I have had to live with all my life. I didn’t know it was a “medical issue” until my mid twenties. So, the first twenty years of my life, I was living with the thoughts in my head that I will never grow up, I am just a lazy person, I am so slow, and irresponsible, that if I don’t smarten up I won’t get anywhere. It’s funny how the mind works. Right after I moved out of my foster home, I went looking for love on the streets. I wanted acceptance, I wanted to feel wanted, like I was worth something, to feel “loved”, in my mind that’s what it was. Street people are pretty smart, I have had some people say to me what are you doing down here, you don’t belong here. They even knew! I eventually learned that this is where I’m not going to find it.
I never have liked me. I never have liked the way I look, I have all these scars, I feel… like an outsider looking in.
I look at people who seem to have it all, have it together, and interacting with other people and I wonder how they got to be like that. I know what the bible says about what I am, and I’m in my late thirties and I still can’t accept what that says. Maybe one day I will.
We are always learning and changing and growing. So I may not be as pretty as the next person, but I do know …well sort of know.. Am learning that I am a strong person, that I can overcome a lot of things and that I have perseverance, because otherwise I wouldn’t be alive today writing this story.
My purpose for starting this writing is to write about my life experiences and how perseverance played a huge part in it, and that it really does pay off. I don’t see the whole picture, but apparently God does. So here I continue from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour persevering onward and forward with life, hoping that my story will help other people to continue on with their life.
All my relations,
Mary Ann Leo
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Stepping Out
Hellow there, theres a first time for everything isn't there? Stepping out of your comfort zone, and doing something that you wouldn't normally do.
So my friend/sister gave me this idea to start a blog about my healing journey that I have been on, and am still on. That it would help many people and its also a good outlet to get stuff out. I haven't written for a while, and I know that I am about to embark on another healing journey process, that will hopefully help me in the long run. I mean I know it will...I just have to allow the process to happen.
Anyways, I have lots of writings, and I have lots of books filled with writings, and I have never thrown it away, always with the idea that I will put it all together in a book one day.
So I have no idea how im going to do this, but I thought this was a good start.
Ive been thru alot in my life, and I have had many ups and downs as we all have, and we all learn from our past experiences (hopefully), and I think we all hope that one day this will help other people.
My way of dealing with stuff is by writing, and I also tend to stuff things aside, and let them build up too, so all my writings well, most of them I think, start out real negative, but I always try to end on a postive note.
So this blog will be stuff from the past, stuff that ive worked thru, and also maybe the process that Im about to embark on now.
Ok well, its late and I have to get to bed, so we shall see how this works out
Thanks for taking the time to read this
All my relations,
Mary
So my friend/sister gave me this idea to start a blog about my healing journey that I have been on, and am still on. That it would help many people and its also a good outlet to get stuff out. I haven't written for a while, and I know that I am about to embark on another healing journey process, that will hopefully help me in the long run. I mean I know it will...I just have to allow the process to happen.
Anyways, I have lots of writings, and I have lots of books filled with writings, and I have never thrown it away, always with the idea that I will put it all together in a book one day.
So I have no idea how im going to do this, but I thought this was a good start.
Ive been thru alot in my life, and I have had many ups and downs as we all have, and we all learn from our past experiences (hopefully), and I think we all hope that one day this will help other people.
My way of dealing with stuff is by writing, and I also tend to stuff things aside, and let them build up too, so all my writings well, most of them I think, start out real negative, but I always try to end on a postive note.
So this blog will be stuff from the past, stuff that ive worked thru, and also maybe the process that Im about to embark on now.
Ok well, its late and I have to get to bed, so we shall see how this works out
Thanks for taking the time to read this
All my relations,
Mary
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