Process...

I thought I better write something about process. The previous post was written a year ago... I was rite in the middle of my medical stuff and emotional stuff.
Alot can happen in a year. I have my ups and downs, I have my dark periods, but I also now have a support system, something that I learned was important to have.
The darkness isn't soo dark anymore, I have 3 lil kids that brighten up my day, (not mine my sisters), and their unconditional love is healing, and they prolly don't even know it.
Remember the onion thing, where we all have layers. My layers are pretty thick, but I know that I have lots of people praying for me, and one day the layers will come up. And how do the layers come off? By learning to trust again. Trust is a huge thing, and that inself is a process. Start trusting with the little things.
And in time I will be able to trust again. Stuff happens that breaks our ability to trust, but allow healing to happen, then it can be rebuilt. Allowing it to happen...see the cycle??? thats the cycle i am in rite now, and I have to break it. I will one day, hopefully soon.
Well, i have to go. I acutally am going to go to church. In hopes that my thickness of layers begin to thaw or thin out. And to get a hug from Sandy and Kathleen and Deb. they give the best hugs. Chow for now!
Marebear

Poem

Ok, so something happened to me this week, and I have no idea how or what. I just know that I got sick and tired of fighting. I got tired of trying to survive. All the people that know about me, say how strong I am. About how much I have been thru etc etc…
Darkness
Envelopes me
In my head is a tangled mess
Do I accept or don’t I accept
Soo many choices to make
Do I continue hating God
Is he the reason behind all this?
Head knowledge says no
Its life
God is the giver of life
Jason says God has a plan for each and every one of us
What in the world was His plan for this whole mess in my life?
To take one step forward
Walking down the street
Going to a friends house
Trying to function and appear normal
Going to a family members
It took soo much effort
That by the end…
It was an effort to just breathe
I can’t do this
I don’t want to do this no more
I want this over with
I want another life
Deep in my hole
Its been a week now
I so want to cut
I so want to drink it all away
Ok so I did that one nite(drink that is)
And maybe again tonite
I want off this roller coaster
Someone stop the madness
Darkness
Heaviness
No energy
Too much effort
Choices
I can choose to end my life
I can choose to self harm
I can choose to drink myself to death
Or I can choose the opposite of all the above
Ok so yes, I made the choice to go out
And talk to a friend
I made the choice to go into the sanctuary
That was just so I didn’t have to listen
To the thoughts in my head
Why do I have to go on?
Why do I have to make the choice to continue helping myself
Why don’t I just give in
Why don’t I just not believe anymore?
Cos it gets me nowhere
Past experience has taught me that
Dang past experience
I am in a vicious cycle
And going freakin crazy
I don’t want no hospital
I hate hospitals
Something has to give
Something has to change
My mind
My thoughts have to change
How?
My hatred towards my life
Is getting stronger
Why the freak was I ever born?
So I can live like this?
God knows the future, past and present???
So he knew this was gonna happen??
Did he allow this to happen?
I’m gonna go bang my head against the wall
I can’t handle this no more!
Darkness
Envelopes me
The end
March22/09